nine more hours and forty five minutes, and it's GOODBYE.

how do i start, when i am all bruised and pained?

i precisely do not know why i had this exigency of coming up with this new blog. Maybe, I want an escape. Maybe I want to leave things behind.

If there is such thing as one’s toughest point, then mine, might fit this year. I went through a lot for the past years but 2009 has been, somewhat, the sturdiest. And I always firmly plead that nothing worse would happen than this year. Actually, I could no longer give a vivid justification on how I managed to survive. ALL I KNOW IS THAT GOD NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. Yes, HE has been there, my forever TEARS ABSORBER. Thank you for lavishly giving me strengths to accept and move on.

I have been so silent about what I have been going through but I have to be honest that there were also times when I wanted to run to people, beg for help, yearn for a tight embrace, but I obliterated all those non-sensical thoughts as I realized life’s reality. This is my life, I am the only one responsible for fixing, and mending what is broken. I always regret being too bold to people, because at the end, I know I will just end up being left out and defenseless to them because they know too much of my weaknesses. Sometimes, I tell myself that I can never ever forgive those people who downed me during this very critical stage of my life. I know it’s kinda unfair for them because they were only aware of the bad they have inflicted in me but they were very clueless about what’s really happening, they have no idea how deep they have pushed the spear already plunged into my soul. Sometimes, I wanted to shout, implore peace and tell them to just leave me unscathed, to stay away from me, because I can no longer fight back anymore. And that, I find too hard to forgive.

I have always thought that I am the biggest fan of myself. That I know every little inch of its moves. That I know every blood flow, and every worms, and just plainly everything about it.

But this time, I doubt whether I still know myself. Or if I’ve subconsciously allowed an alienated monster occupy my persona.

I am not like this. I had always been a carefree person. Although, I am never the type who minds others’ business, I know I am innately caring. Gosh, friends used to describe me as one of the most affectionate species on earth. I cry. I love. I laugh. I forgive. I was very light. I was very hopeful. I was very optimistic about life.

What changed me?

Perhaps, I know where I am coming from. Perhaps, I understand. But perhaps, I got tired explaining things to myself. Or maybe the defense mechanisms decided to leave me due to my abusive usage of them. See, I already have my own conclusion to everything.

But whatever excuses I have. They will forever be considered as lame ones because I know I can’t stay like this forever.

I want to reassess myself. But there is no need for me to understand every flow of blood running in my inside. There is no need to be aware of every cell that I am made of. No need to understand all the nerve functions in my brain. Completely understanding myself is not the answer, for it is only HIM, who can completely have a thorough understanding of everything.

nine more hours and forty-five minutes.

I want a new start.

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LIFE IS MORE COLORFUL THAN A COLOR GAME

‘Just got home from a “walang-sawang-kwentuhan-over-a-cup-of-coffee with Lloyd. Lesson he imparted tonight: BE PRACTICAL WITH YOUR DECISION IN LIFE. Oh, gosh.

Parenthetically, this morning, i was with my officemates, atcheng, sir ian, aiza, sir meynard, and miss rose at Ibaan’s town fiesta. We went to the “peryahan” where different faces roved around: fat people, kids, couples, teens with their babies, old folks, happy-go-lucky personalities, hopefuls looking for a bit of luck, people imploring for a sense of fun, people, just like us, who wants to take a peep of how peryahan works nowadays. But no one can ever know what’s really running in these people’s mind while their feet roamed around the boisterous crowded place.

 Some could be broken inside while trying to find a piece of happiness, or let’s say, escape. Some could be hopeful that the twenty-peso bill in their bony hands will give them a kilo of rice and some canned goods after risking it in the color game. Speaking of color game, I didn’t let the moment pass without me trying it, I even pulled the string once. Red. blue. green. white. pink or yellow.The first try was good, it doubled the money I borrowed from atcheng, but I wasn’t so lucky enough during the second try, and right there, I gave up.

Someone told me that life is all about taking the risk. I know, it’s scary and it will always be since we do not know whether you will win, or lose. That’s why we have to think about it over a million before finally committing to a decision without an exact product. The secret is staying positive and having faith in our decision, and of course, to GOD.

It didn’t work? There is no need to deprive our body of sleep and we don’t have to punish ourselves with endless regrets. What we can do is gather the lessons and learn from those. We will never know if it’s meant for us unless we try.

That is the essence of life, TRYING, and giving that try our very best shot. Life isn't just the six color blocks, it's more than that. though, knowing everything is not really our business, if it’s not a thing for us, it will never happen. If it’s not His will, then He will surely make a different route for us. RISK + FAITH, else it won't work out so good.

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AND THE MOON MAKES ME WANT TO FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING. ILOVEYOU,NERUDA.

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.

- IF YOU FORGET ME, Pablo Neruda -

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TO YOU WHO DESERVE MUCH BETTER THAN THIS

Today, November 27, 2009 is the 88th birthday of my father, FACUNDO EJE Y VALENZUELA. I am already good to be his granddaughter, but I am so gratified of being his youngest. Fifteen rushing minutes before 12MN: and all I can utter to myself is an endless, "I miss you, dad" between my sobbing thought.

I have so much to say. I have so much inside.

You know the feeling when you’re so much waiting for something and suddenly you realized that you just missed the last bus going home. Erase. I do not think I explained it well. I am bad with explanation, always.

P.S. dad, I am culpable of my gibberish stuff. No, they are not really my priorities. God knows. But I am complied to do those. I am sorry.

let me repost this entry from my multiply account:

"Some fish are sad. And some fish are glad. And some are very very bad. Why are they sad and bad? I do not know. Go ask your Dad!" - Dr. Seuss.

But dad is no longer there.(What a terrible advise Dr. Seuss!). I could stumble all over, do my tantrums like a four year old toddler, scream. But no dad will show up. There will be no dad to answer my queries. 

I lost my dad when i was 13, or maybe i lost him even before he's really gone. I do not know. That would be another story i'm still not ready to discuss. So i am left with no option but to find the answers myself. I took psychology in college, expecting different theorist will answer my queries. Somehow, it gave explanations with my how's and why's. Psychologist's explanations are actually perfect, but i must admit, i'm still not satisfied. At the back of my head, i'm thinking if Dad got a different explanation. And i start missing him. I start wondering how it feels to be in a father's arms once again,. how it feels to listen to a father's advise. I'm dying to hear from him. There was a time when the mere sight of a family create blue atmosphere in me.

I remember when i was a kid, about five or six. During night-time after dinner, i would knock at his bedroom door with a bar of clay in my hands. i would ask him to make something out of it and he would always make me miniatures of farm animals. My dad loves animals. cows, dogs, cats, doves, horses, name it, surely he would love it. He's so fond of taking care of those. and of course, the miniatures were so perfect in my innocent eyes and with my five year old mind then, i thought that when mid night comes. they would come alive.

And now, it's been eight years since i last saw him. but 8 years is never enough to heal the pain. to compensate all the longing and missing. I will always miss him. I will always miss the way he sings the happy birthday song. There is something on the way he sings it that makes one so special.

Well, i may have good explanations about life right now, thanks to all the psychology and self help books, and also with experiences i had. They taught me a lot about life. but i know, one day, i'll meet him again, and one by one, he will explain to me everything. "

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JUST LIKE RAPUNZEL.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, lay down your golden hair ….

We are all acquainted with this renowned line in Rapunzel’s tale. Well, like many fiction stories, this too, has a deeper gist in it. The story is about being familiar with our own self.

Ok. For the sake of those who already abandoned the love for fairytale, here’s a quick flashback: Rapunzel is a young lady who live locked up in a castle tower, incarcerated by an old witch who incessantly tells her how unsightly she is. One day, a handsome prince passes by the tower and tells Rapunzel of her loveliness. She lets down her golden locks (apparently of some substantial length) so he may climb her hair to rescue her.

But does everyone know that it’s neither the castle nor the witch that has kept Rapunzel a prisoner? It is her pathetic belief of her own ugliness. That’s why when she saw the beauty reflected in the eyes of her prince charming, she realized that she can be set free. She can, only if she wants to.

Sometimes, WE ARE LIKE RAPUNZEL. We let other people define our self-image. We, consciously or subconsciously let their claptrap verdicts and expectations enslave us to such extent of losing our own self-perception. Let us break away from the witches that we have inside us. Each of us has the responsibility to take care of our very precious self. Why do we have to be chained to envy, negative talks, dreadful guilt, criticisms and comparison? Just to please people? Just to remain in that super comfort zone? Oh, please. One of the many paths to experience what they call total liberation is through making room for the scared, and doing ourselves the favor of making the effort. Effort to dwell on the things that scares us to hell. Let us not fool ourselves believing we are ok with the image imposed by other people. Each of us has the unique qualities and what’s good for them may not be good for us, and what’s bad for them may absolutely work for us. We should create our own space and uncover what really matters to us. 

And if you think it’s the prince who saved Rapunzel from the dreadful situation. We’ll I beg to disagree. What unlocked her is her knowing that she is beautiful and worth loving. All the answers that we need in life are just within us. Do not expect others to save us like a knight in shining armour. Another person cannot fill the hole in us if we do not know how to love ourselves.

If we recognize our own worth and constantly remind ourselves that we deserve to be well treated, that is how other people will look at us. SO, CUT YOUR HAIR AND JUMP OUT OF THAT UGLY CASTLE TOWER. NOW.

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happily unattached.

Oh, and never had? How’s your lovelife naman? Ay, may ipapakilala ako sa’yo. ikaw naman kasi, di mo pa pinansin si ganito, si ganun. Huh, BAKIT? (in an almost shouting shock mode). initial reactions i usually get from friends, former classmates, well-meaning relatives, and even people I’ve met for the first time.

Actually, I have never really given much thought to it. Does anyone really need to know the answer to such things? Maybe by fate. Maybe by own choice.

Here's the thing. The problem with having a single status in our society is the societal stigma - the eering verdict that one gets because of non-conformity. PLUS, THEY WILL forever PROCLAIM THAT THE raison d'être of your melancholic days IS BOYLESS. Gosh. People can be so mean. Pihikan kasi (kulang na lang sabihin, lakas namn mamili nito, di naman kagandahan). And so what? We have the right and all the right to BE CHOOSY, to choose what we want - not the type who will grab any testosterone-containing specie who knocks! Tomboy ka ata, eh. Oh goshie! I had lots of not-good experiences with this one, but let me clear myself; I have nothing against the rainbow community, I actually love them! However, please, leave me in peace. Baka panget ang ugali, kaya walang mag-kagusto. Hello? If two people are really hooked in love, I do not think that attitude will still count. Or baka naman meron, tinatago mo lang. Heaven and hell! Can people just stop minding other peoples’ lives? Today, I am just 23. TOO YOUNG. My marrying age is around 30. Although my mother told me that according to her trusted manghuhula, and two other more of the fortunetellers that she consulted, I will not finish my studies, because I will get pregnant. Haha, mother. See, I am not in a rush, you know.

Some people would say, I might be so focused on my studies and career and might be forgetting to give time for love. It’s not actually true. I have mastered the art of balancing the responsibilities that came with my life as a student journalist then (when I was still in college), my life as an aspiring counselor, as a friend, my passion for arts and food, and my responsibilities to my family. And I know that I can always insert that in between or somewhere in my life, but the thing is: I value too much of my freedom and privacy. There are things in my life that I do not think other people could understand. And with that, I've learned to love myself much more than I expected. There are even days where I do not think anyone has the right to love myself more than I do. 

But I have to admit. I, once, just like any other girl, had dreamt of being in a fairy tale. I've dreamt about having a college boyfriend who I will dramatically dispatch before college graduation comes just because we grew apart. Or falling inlove with my bestfriend, or marrying someone from my childhood - please play: "two old friends, meet again, wearing older faces, talked about the places they've been... ". I wanted to experience stuff I see on TV, those were the TGIS and Dawson’s creek days. But soon, I realized that those just exist on TV. It can't always happen in real life.

Yes, I had crushes, and flings, too!

I remember the last time I was broken-hearted - read: unrequited love. My friend told me that she never thought I could be so vulnerable to love. We’re all in emote mode over a plate of banana split, me sniffing in red eyes and newly cut hair. “hindi ko man lang naranasan na sabihin sa kanya na niloko mo lang ako, pinaasa, how could you do this to me… .. blah blah" after my melo-drama speech, we all blurted out of laughter.

See. Falling in love is the funniest part of me. 

I could fall in love. Fall out of love. Get head over heels in love (without the guy even knowing about it). Get hurt. Be in a super emote mode. Be in flat affect mode. It doesn’t really matter. I have the feeling that I can always twist it around. I like the feeling that it gives me. And I always believe that it’s something I can always control. It’s always a decision. My own decision.

As you see, it's not that being in a relationship hasn’t crossed my mind. It’s also a good feeling to run to someone (who you can actually call yours) after a tiring super busy day or to be tucked into someone’s embrace during comfort-seeking days. And I always believe that I would have fallen in love with someone equally great - the one the Lord has prepared for me. 

But there is no one there right now. And since HE is not yet there, I must say that I AM HAPPILY UNATTACHED.

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maybe this is me, maybe not.

HERstory

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it kills that i just watched you as you slowly walked away.

I miss my father. And thinking about how nice it would feel if I could also busy myself thinking of the most excellent gift i could give him for father’s day.

I miss him, and thinking what he would tell me if I tell him that I think I am in love, and again, broken hearted.

I miss him, and thinking what he would do if I tell him that someone bullied me, and some girls talked nasty things about me, that I was backstabbed , and I was so angry.

I miss him, and thinking how nice it would be if I would have the chance to massage his aching feet again, and I would talk about how the day was, what I bought from Ka Pisi, the games I played, what I want to do when I grow up.

I miss him, and thinking what he would say, now that I am already working, getting enough salary to buy him a perfume, though not as what he expected me to be, wearing my office uniform and high-heeled shoes.

I miss him, and thinking about the comfort I would receive if I tell him that I do not know how it is to trust again. That I am no longer the sweet girl who hides his slippers in the morning so I know where to get it in the afternoon when he comes back home.

I miss him, and will continue to miss him every time the cruel world reminds me that, no matter how envious I become whenever I see a complete happy family, I will never have a father that I could run to.

Dad, I miss making coffee for you. really, i do.

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i seek you for i thirst

Though many times I run from you in shame

I lift my hands and call upon Your name

For underneath the shadow of Your wings

My melody is You

Oh Lord I seek You for I thirst

Your mercy is the rain on the desert of my soul

Oh Lord I raise my lifeless eyes

And see Your glory shine, how your kindness overflows

Oh Lord Your sanctuary calls

I yearn to be with You in the rivers of Your love.

it is a blessing to realize that amidst the pain, there is a God who we can always run to, and who will never make unjust judgement. never let me go.

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now.

nine books i would want to add to my reading list.


Last night’s post was too much of abhorrence, especially, the last line. Let me rub out the period in there. Maybe, not now, but I know, one day, I will finally find the strength, and audacity to forget all the pains and soon, everything will be ok.

God has been so good to me. I know that all these times, He has been the One restlessly standing behind me, reaching out for my hands whenever life drives me to the edge of falling. He has been the One sending beautiful people, to jog in my memory that He will never ever leave me, especially, in the mid of a devastating solitude. I can never thank Him enough.
oh, above are the books that i would want to include in my book collection, and which i would wish to finish before the year ends, or soon as i get my hands on a copy. (ek, but would be too impossible since i have very limited time for reading). and why, the world is flat? a customer online recommended this book... and i would want to give it a try. and yes, i forgot to include, The little Prince, i haven't read the book yet (shame!), but people always talk about its captivating effect.

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die, just die.

The world is moving. And it will continue to move, with or without me. It will continue to rotate from its axis, even when I stop.

Even when my muscle tissues ache so much to go immobile. When every inch of it tells me that, it doesn’t want to consume any solid food anymore. even when i am all bruised.

Even when somewhere in my brain, there is a nerve rebuffing to move.
amidst all the fear i have. even when i am nothing but all torn.

The world will still go on.

And it will never renounce its prized time to wait for a scrawny specie who forgot how it is to plunk in obverse of a crowd.

I stopped counting for I have realized that I do not really know when all these started.

I have mourned enough. The pain, I do not think it will go away. But I have to move on.
I am moving on.

And I guess, I can never learn how to forgive.

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There are only two reasons why people refuse to talk about things: First, it means nothing, and second, it means everything.

It is past midnight. Headache has been a frenziedly companion for the last 30 days. Ask me, and all that you can get is a shriveled well. The water has long been dried out by the blustery weather. Yes. Unerringly 30 days. And my lethargic mode is currently pulling me down to my bed.

I’ll get by. I know I can. And, I have to.

current status: i am still grieving. and i do not know when will it go away, or if it will ever leave.

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i do not know why i am writing like this.

Some things are not just so easy to let go. There are pains that will always remain as painful as ever. There are wounds that, although healed, will forever leave the soul scarred. There are nightmares that will not disappear amidst the brightness of the sunshine.

*****************************************

The last 30 days tendered me a taste of technicolored borderline mood dealings. Betrayal. Surprises. Undying Hope. Love. Choices. Boredom. Bliss. Fake smiles. Discoveries and nightmares. Praises. Beldam. Pictures of escape. Guilt. Hidden sorrows. unrelinquished Faith and thanksgiving. And if you think any of these excites me. The answer is a flat affect. And I am so much disappointed.

Sometimes, I think of myself as a near madcap.
Somewhere near the borderline personality disorder. Gosh!

inside my head are hundreds of questions. thousands. millions. i lost count already.but never am i expecting for an answer. and never for a vague one.

I do not exactly know when was the time I started believing at nothing. when i stopped uttering my querries, and finally forsake the thought of a childhood belief of happily ever after (yes, there will always be a once upon a time, but forever is something too blurred to still believe). And when was the last time I stopped trusting?

People, myself… the world.(hay, what did they do? waht did my neurons do? wait, dont get me wrong: i am not into blaming anyone and alanis' "sorry to myself" is playing in my mind.)

Today, I believe no one. I believe nothing. And it’s only my chaste faith to the good God that’s keeping me breathing. It is only Him that I believe. And I need no bible verses or books or words as evidence of His existence. ( my mother will surely nag me about this and I am so sure to see her lonely eyes. I once told her that I think the bible is just mere fiction and a form of literature and I needed to stop because she was so shocked about what I’ve said, for this, I am sorry to those I might upset.) But this is where I see my faith, when I don’t believe in anything else but God. That even without any substantiation I still know He’s around and listening to my aches and joys.

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