nine more hours and forty five minutes, and it's GOODBYE.

how do i start, when i am all bruised and pained?

i precisely do not know why i had this exigency of coming up with this new blog. Maybe, I want an escape. Maybe I want to leave things behind.

If there is such thing as one’s toughest point, then mine, might fit this year. I went through a lot for the past years but 2009 has been, somewhat, the sturdiest. And I always firmly plead that nothing worse would happen than this year. Actually, I could no longer give a vivid justification on how I managed to survive. ALL I KNOW IS THAT GOD NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. Yes, HE has been there, my forever TEARS ABSORBER. Thank you for lavishly giving me strengths to accept and move on.

I have been so silent about what I have been going through but I have to be honest that there were also times when I wanted to run to people, beg for help, yearn for a tight embrace, but I obliterated all those non-sensical thoughts as I realized life’s reality. This is my life, I am the only one responsible for fixing, and mending what is broken. I always regret being too bold to people, because at the end, I know I will just end up being left out and defenseless to them because they know too much of my weaknesses. Sometimes, I tell myself that I can never ever forgive those people who downed me during this very critical stage of my life. I know it’s kinda unfair for them because they were only aware of the bad they have inflicted in me but they were very clueless about what’s really happening, they have no idea how deep they have pushed the spear already plunged into my soul. Sometimes, I wanted to shout, implore peace and tell them to just leave me unscathed, to stay away from me, because I can no longer fight back anymore. And that, I find too hard to forgive.

I have always thought that I am the biggest fan of myself. That I know every little inch of its moves. That I know every blood flow, and every worms, and just plainly everything about it.

But this time, I doubt whether I still know myself. Or if I’ve subconsciously allowed an alienated monster occupy my persona.

I am not like this. I had always been a carefree person. Although, I am never the type who minds others’ business, I know I am innately caring. Gosh, friends used to describe me as one of the most affectionate species on earth. I cry. I love. I laugh. I forgive. I was very light. I was very hopeful. I was very optimistic about life.

What changed me?

Perhaps, I know where I am coming from. Perhaps, I understand. But perhaps, I got tired explaining things to myself. Or maybe the defense mechanisms decided to leave me due to my abusive usage of them. See, I already have my own conclusion to everything.

But whatever excuses I have. They will forever be considered as lame ones because I know I can’t stay like this forever.

I want to reassess myself. But there is no need for me to understand every flow of blood running in my inside. There is no need to be aware of every cell that I am made of. No need to understand all the nerve functions in my brain. Completely understanding myself is not the answer, for it is only HIM, who can completely have a thorough understanding of everything.

nine more hours and forty-five minutes.

I want a new start.

Read more...

the pink bold goodbye

An excerpt from my last year (2008) diary:January 01, 2008 9:18 AM- “it is new year morning and my sister is cleanin' up last night's mess. but i still feel like i am out of nowhere, or maybe, its just an end product of the tequila shots i got from new year's eve party.

no, i do not want to pretend anymore, it is new year anyways. it is just really funny how i come to realize things and be very broken the very next day. the day before i left the office for new year, he told me it should be over. and i just find it so unfair. Because it was just yesterday that i've realized how i like him. I now know the reason why despite my total disgust for computer games (it is really staying in the computer shops like zombies that I’m dreading most); I still stayed with him while he enjoys his dota stuff. Why I agreed on watching the very terrible golden compass which frankly, I find so uninteresting….”

To the guy who became the reason why I permed my hair and why I cut it so short, goodbye. I am now letting go without any trace of sadness, nor anger. The month of December made my days quite vulnerable. Its breezy climate reminds me of those days with you and the very same breeze reminded me of moving on, of finally letting go of all the ill feelings I’ve got from falling in love. (haha). Actually, the Puerto experience made me realize the superb minutes that I allowed myself to miss because of refusing to move on. And now, I am free. Au revoir.

Read more...

i am thinking about goodbye

yesterday, i was browsing friendster and i got the chance to view his new uploaded picture. i know i don’t have any right to question that but somehow, there's a struck of sadness which i couldn't figure out. when i was walking back home, i was thinking of goodbye. i remember what aj told me. that i need to move on because the person i am thinking about day and night is never thinking about me. He has long moved out of my life and now doing a fine colorful world with his life while i am left in the flower covered abyss. Unfair. I am so unfair with myself. I remember how I crossed my line, forgetting about the reserved principle my parent taught me. I am still confused. I wanted to free myself and let go but I don’t want to be like some “sirang plaka” cyclically saying my goodbye. anyhows, I am still always looking forward for the time when the color of his shirt won’t bother me anymore.

And yeah, happy birthday to chipz aj. I’ll be blogging about his pre-celebration at Bellini’s once I get through this bothering contemplation. And to aiza last November 12 (I hope you enjoyed the birthday blue’s clues!!!) and, of course, thanks for treating me with my comfort food last night’s dinner. and for the novena that you lent me. I promise to give it back to you once everything is ok. thank yous!

and guess what's palying in my background. its over now by kyla. .. let me write some line..please dont ask me to pretend coz i know its over now.... . wait i need to turn it off now.

Read more...

the nostalgic mood of a witch named gladi

Right after my college graduation, i moved to Manila, and stayed there for a year. Being in a strange place gave me a different taste of life. No more late wake ups. No more morning tantrums. No more soberly nights. No more afternoon cups of coffee and lemon tea. No more happy go lucky kind of life. No more writing to the last brain string, ye, my pen had experienced a severe famishment.

But having been away from home and having acquired total freedom and independency dipped my sleepy thought to the real color of life. With real rejection. With real disappointment. With real bitterness and with a different definition of happiness. Out of my comfort zone, i've earned time to reflect on those things i have but haven’t had the slightest care to notice then. I've love my family more than ever. I am more appreciative and i owe this all to those people and experiences that shared my vicissitudes during my “homesick days”. But as what i always believe, there is always goodbye (and that's the hardest part for during that time, i didnt know whether i wanted to really go back to my own made up world or to stay in the real world and continue to discover things. For some reasons. i felt like while i'm being pulled back to my comfort zone, the real world was also pushing me back and i was the only one fighting against it, adn i gave up. i went home and decided to continue living in the safe side of the world. anyways, i've list down people and stuff that kept on reminding me about the lessons i've gained during my stay in the real strange world. Of the moments, i’ve enjoyed. and for the bruises that made me cry.

etelecare.between busrides and baclaran church. erikson and fina (miss you. miss you. miss you) 119. jeff (thank you for a week of being patient with me) LPET days. wave 166A: lani.jo.KUYA RAE.kuya jim, chu. linj (i do miss our gel and plantsahan sessions) rolando. k'bert. neeson. PJ. dan. cite for breaking the company rule: do not use the internet for non-business related sites. tresmarias and mario. something fishy's eat all you can. SEEN (i miss our dream-upon-a-star moods and everything about you) TEAM OSIRIS. corky.mike.tiyobaki.koran TL jenny. kuyajustin.Anto.ALVIN. corky's crack. AVA and all our food tripping. service tag. escalation. L2. Chowking. Icite(whatever!) Fingerscan. AUX2. 29th Floor.SOiC Jen. KEM (ang matabang bully na bata). AJ (take it easy!) kuya li. kuya wei (Honda moments). Kuya Jover (JUVER!!!!) ANETTE. spam. spam. spam. rekanism. Service elevator. pantry.of my first ever taste of puto bungbong (thanks GAbo). jeepney rides. OUTlook. soic dova (stop the bleeding) Mozilla. meebo. yung ice tea sa pantry. ARR.vendo machine. appreciation. kuya justin's this is the bestest amplaya i've ever tasted line. OT. yellocab and KFc blues. mahesh fever.of moving on. dressdown. nailcuttingsession \m/. Kuya Ocop. kuya denver .L2 Domz! ALt TAB. pedestrian lane. kwek kwek and calamares( thank you to those who taught me bout this stuff) taxi rides and ye, taxi room (?) (it’s still a mystery to me how it looks like) tiangge moments. tell me your name by jose mari chan alarm tone. shawarma rice. Evermall. Overpass. letting go and goodbyes.

Did i miss a thing?

anyway,i can't thank them enough. and it was only during my last days in the office that i discovered the real meaning of saying thank you. For you guys, thank you for everything and in case I’ll get such Alzheimer’s in the future, do remind me that I have a blog where I wrote down everything.

Read more...

our last phone call

Wednesday morning. And again, I am aching with the longing
The vulnerability kills.
I feel like I am losing my sanity inch by inch.

For how many times my fingers dialed your so familiar number
And for how many times I deleted it right before pressing the ok button
I do not know

For how long I have recited the lines
The most perfect lines. The most faultless tone.The very right words
My mind can no longer take grasp of

Six rings
And how I finally collected all the strengths
To say my first word

And how your voice, like thunderstorm told me how busy you are
How your sigh sliced me through
and finally made me realized
you’re no longer there for me…


and suddenly, I felt like a lost child

Read more...