i smell LOVE and HAPPINESS.

from my redbook, written January 19, 2012. - 11:46PM 

Today, nothing is perfect. My life is still in its kinda-“dysfunctional” form. To be honest, my sky-scraping hopes are starting to wane, and i can’t help but feel that i am the only one who is believing, and i feel tired. Actually, if i’m not on a rag, maybe by dawn, my feet will be making love with the sand and saltwater (these skinny feet are so much in an itch to bond with their bestfriends). But i guess, i am happier. Because, finally, my languor self was punched by Coelho when he wrote, People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.

And he was just so dead right! 

Though, i still have questions, tons of nonsense of them, yes. but, i am thankful.

i am thankful that for the past three years i have learned to accept how dysfunctional life is. And i was able to deal with it. And my faith was strengthened and deepened.

I am thankful for the day-by-day people that i meet, for the learning, for the inspiration, for the strength that they supply me to keep on holding on and for the people i decided to keep who remained true and wonderful and with respect, not just for me but for the people i love.

I am thankful that i have never hooked up with the boy who will carry my dreams away from me. because when that happens, we’ll surely end up both wounded and broken. 

I am thankful to realize that i do not need to fly to Europe, or to India or to Batanes island just to find myself, because it has been here all along. (but one of these days, i’ll still go there to fall in love with their culture or with what ever they have there, and let me add... Brazil, Marinduque, Vigan and Brazil again!) 

My dreams are waiting. And if i wait for my brain cells to start functioning right, they might get tired standing. What i can do now is follow Dr. Sara Jordan’s advice, Everyday, give yourself a good mental shampoo! 

So, how was this day?

Let me say: Today, i am still imperfect, with lots of flaws and everything that will prove that i am just another human. But today is the perfect day to thank GOD for this wonderful day and for the best days that are yet to come.  

P.S. and today, i had fun with my girlfriends and siblings and I’m gonna blog about my project happiness once i get the chance!

Read more...

Sendong: flood victims need us.

Over the weekend, storm Sendong swept through Southern Philippines bringing heavy rains that resulted to flash floods and has already claimed nearly a thousand lives.According to news, there are 200,000 children in Mindanao who have lost their families and homes. They badly need us, our material help and of course, the sincerest of our prayers.

Click on the image to view ways on HOW TO DONATE. No matter how small, a little help still goes a long way. Thank you very much. Have a bright Christmas.

 

Read more...

i am a dreamer. i lazy dreamer.

found this written in my 2005 organizer.  dated august 19 (but as can be seen, it occupied the 20th and 21st) six years ago.

when will one day be?

when you know so well that your auditory cortex cannot analyze even the basic of music.

when you know so well that your paint brush have always been in struggle with its own liberation.

when you know so well, that to be a speech path, you gotta go back to college and give up the monthly salary you get as an employee.

and that to write a book, you need to perfect your grammar.

Read more...

Let go.

the conversation began with, you have lovely pair of hands, i’m envious. i smiled and said thank you, just as the natural me would do whenever i get surprise compliments, and went back to my reading. 

“You’re a counselor?” “Aha”. i gave a thrift answer, avoiding her eyes. Budol-budol gang is everywhere! But before my book and manila's heavy traffic totally consumed me, this complete stranger next to me began telling her fears. everything, maybe. well, everything that completes the picture of the whole scenario. 

13 years of being trapped in a onetime nightmare. how can she ever free herself?

(there’s a lot of striking points i’d like to discuss.  but i have vowed to my profession to keep things confidential)

but her last question: You, have you ever gotten problems, like have you ever been into something so unforgiving?

I didn’t answer her question. There are things in life that will either break us or help us find ourselves; the thing is IT’S JUST ALWAYS US.  Forgiving doesn’t happen overnight. It is a painful process, but don’t worry, that’s why HE’s there. 

We parted at LRT Buendia. When i flipped my head, she’s gone. Just like that. I checked my things, nothing’s missing. And to quote her last words: Tama ka nga, siguro it’s just me all along.  

and today is a lazy noon, i think my hair needs some professional help!

 

to you, 

i hope you'll soon find the strength to heal your wounds, and have The Saviour's Love take all the pains away.

Read more...

101 bad things about a then-witch

from personal experiences and vindictive remarks of tactless mouths.

1.    i am envious.

2.    i doubt, as always.

3.    i procrastinate.

4.    i care less.

5.    i discriminate.

6.    i despise stinky people.

7.    i commit mistakes.

8.    i am insensitive.

9.    i think ill of other people.

10. i sleep till noon.

11. i sin.

12. i am more than lazy.

13. i love mr. solitude.(which other people find hard to understand)

14. i hate the moon.(pls wait until i get the audacity to publish my post regarding this)

15. i am oh-so good in dispatching people.

16. i sour grape.

17. i make people feel bad. (and these people hate me but well, i absolutely, do not need them or them making me feel how bad i am,too. )

18. i hold grudges.

19. i have two left feet.

20. i sing out of tune melodies.

21. i am often late.

22. i skip meals.

23. i have ears that cannot tolerate noise.

24. i am bad with confrontation.

25. i put make up on wee hours and sleep with it which is torture to my skin.

26. i am forgetful.

27. i am selfish.

28. i am always right.

29. i have a bad habit of doing horrific stuff to my pitiful locks.

30. i am a mess. sometimes, a big mess.

31. i do not trust people.

32. i write nonsense things.

33. i have mood swings.

34. i am a funny person. (so, lemme show you what SCARY means!)

35. i am a brat.

36. i have a voice that is either too loud, sometimes so high-pitch, or too soft. but never well-modulated.

37. i say the wrong words.

38. i am scared. yes, so scared. you will never believe it.

39. i do not listen.

40. i dress histrionically. (i think i am not anymore!)

41. i am drastically a boring person.

42. i am an abuser of the unconscious process of getting away-slash-protection, only that in my case, i always know.

43. i don’t go to church every Sunday.

44. i mutely complain.

45. i am, most of the blue days, irrational.

46. i cannot speak in front of different (strange) faces without experiencing a severe frantic attack.

47. i do not believe that we should confess our sins through a priest.

48. i cram, endlessly and pointlessly. (weh)

49. ... 50 .... 51...

and YES! i didn’t make it to 101. see, i’m not that bad after all. hihi.

okay. i think i wrote this kinda 2 years ago. Found this from files of unwanted papers in my Mbox (memory box). It was entitled 101 bad things blah blah but i do not think i finished writing the 53 more. Maybe, i ran out of time or ran out of ink or paper? Or maybe, there really can’t be 101. haha, hooray to me! Well, I do not even remember my objective for writing 48 indignant things against my own self (which could cause future severe damages). Maybe i was into some help-self project like “reformatting crazy Gladi”. aw, i do not know, really!

actually, when i saw this, i was like, oh really? are these all? and at the same time, are these all true? i must just be kidding myself!  i don’t remember me being this and that... and before i wrestle with my own writing, i decided to post it here and maybe, i can know from you. or maybe you can add more.

Read more...

saving private gladi

(sometime in october) 

i do not know what time it is. one of the rarest moments in my daily life. the wall clock stopped ticking. i am too lazy to check my mobile phone’s time. and even more sluggish to turn the tv on to check the current news. i wanted to feel the luxury of being lost in space, even for this one stolen evening.

if only i could tear all these out, maybe i’m a better person. 

For the first time since this orange sofa set came in our house, it’s only now that i finally found a comfortable position in its corner. Earlier, i was holding a blue book i purchased from a booksale months ago, longing for a day to come that i can finally have the appetite to reach out for it and make a good jumpstart in my life. Hours ago, there was the noisy music from the neighbor’s playlist. But now, there’s nothing. No sound at all. Only the deep sound of the night and the droplets of water from the bathroom’s silly faucet.

and i feel like crying. Just cry. Maybe an attempt to stir away the faked headache.

and i hope i never heard lies. I hope i never met some people so i wont always end up bombarding my brain to forget. And i hope erasing wont take so much pride, pain and headache. i hope some people never pushed me to my very limit, so i can still hope to have them back. I hope i never have to leave whenever i get myself damn hurt. 

But maybe, that’s the only way i know. and God knows what my heart desires, to atleast save a piece of myself. And to start from there. Goodluck to me. 

 

Read more...

No one. No one will remember.

One noon after work, i decided to drop by to my then office. It was still the very same office; my things are still neatly sitting there as i left it. (i remember kidding mija not to let anyone touch my stuff else...) 

I sat there. And once more, made connections with the comfort brought by the blue swivel chair that once been claimed as mine. i closed my eyes and laid my back to its just-right firmness.  My palms went over the curves of it as my fingertips slide into the sides of my wooden table’s glass imperfection. I flip over to the pages of my counselees’ records. One thing is for sure, i broke my promise. I can no longer be there for them. The idea breaks me. 

Two and half years, i said to myself. Who can forget the first day i sat on that chair? Who can forget the first time i made a memo letter for that office? Who can forget the very first student i encountered, and the very first one who came back and to say thank you? and who can forget the very first time my boss gave me his popular hand gesture?

No one. No one will remember. 

Two and half years. It did not take me a lifetime. How come every inch of that room reminds me so much of myself? How come i feel a part of me has been left in every corner, in every space, in every paper and in everything existing inside that room? 

I was filled with emotions, if only i could sat in one corner and sleep there till my dreams take me to neverland, so i can feel that at least for a night, the whole thing had been mine.

But as darkness eats the dusk, i know i had to leave. and i just be thankful. 


(well, that afternoon was my way of saying a sweet goodbye. sorry if i invaded the office without any permission.  promise, that will be the last time. thank you.)
 

Read more...

Yes! Now i know there's an Aeta in heaven.

 You, Intin, with the yellow set of teeth and comical hair that always looked teased. And, eyes that reflects contentment amidst nothing so glamorous. You, who i have always thought of as a petite version of Quasimodo with over-sized polo and farmer-folded pants. They never fail to amaze me, really.  It was a big mistake of mine not to talk to you about the culture that you grew up with. How your parents looked like. How you met the love of your life. Inay said you came from a tribe from Negros, and as a kid then, i was scared, and would just content myself from seeing you a far getting fire woods and “pongapong” for the pigs, or simply helping  in the farm stuff. But now, I am filled with happiness that, finally, you will feel the tight embrace of the ONE who really loves you. Thank you for giving three beautiful people in our family, Vic, Ate Liza and Jimmy. We are indebted to you because of this.

Read more...

coke: i need you back. badly.

i thought i could forget.
for every single day that passed, i constantly tell myself that you are no good to me. as i have promised to myself that i would remain faithful to my words. i could bear to thirst myself from the sweet adrenaline that only you can give. it's excruciating. but my mind can endure the pain. as always.

but i was wrong.
for my stomach needs you.  for it's only you that can calm down the urging. the chaos inside.

and i am left here, staring at your coldness.
gulping every inch of my precious pride. dwelling with my own self. one part says i should have not given up. another part says, i can't live without you. which i believe isn't true. one part says, how about all those that you have been fighting for? another part says, people will laugh at your inconsistency but who cares? well, i do not know but what i know is one part of my body needs you. and it's not going to function normal without you. i do not know if i have to trust myself or if my subconscious is just making stupid excuses just to feel you again in my body.

but yes, i stupidly need you. i'm pleading you back. i'm sorry i let you go.

 (just some crazy idea, i promised myself not to consume any carbonated drinks, including my most loved, COKE but i realized that coke has been my "kontra-diarrhea" for the longest time. Where i got the idea, i guess from a Japanese speaker who said in one of the seminars i attended that if your stomach's in trouble, just grab a can of coca cola! )


 

Read more...

Pinoy Laughter Yoga

really, i can't find the perfect words to express the kind of bliss brought by this workshop. 

so, i'll go for a solemn ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

          I''m a yoga enthusiast. i remember attending yoga class way back in college. and youtubeing yoga videos so i can do it at home. Weeks before attending this workshop, i was actually into web searching for a yoga class in Lipa, but sadly, found no result.  

         A huge thanks to Mr. Paolo Martin Trinidad, founder of the Pinoy Laughter Yoga for bringing us a piece of India, i guess, a piece of heaven.  if only i have what it takes to be a certified yoga trainer, i would definitely enroll myself. but some things aren't just for me. if only i could brag to the whole world about how marvelous this Pinoy Laughter Yoga is, so everyone will push their support, i definitely would.  But what i can definitely do is to pray to the Almighty God (or to Bathala, as how he said is the name of God for Pinoys) shower him with good health and burning passion so he may continue to be a blessing to millions and to always be a  an effective instrument of uniting the hearts and souls of PINOYS through one healthy laugh.

for more PINOY LAUGHTER YOGA updates, click here.

Read more...

BIRTHDAY PROJECT: postponed due to blustery weather.

 It was the 19^th day of the year 1986. It was dawn. It was a Sunday. For sure, it was cold and breezy. That was all I know about that day. That E-O day.

That was 25 years ago.

And that thought always makes me happy.

Actually, i was into a SILVER BIRTHDAY PROJECT. Everything’s carefully noted. Everything’s well-planned. But at the mid of my being excited, i needed to stop and discontinue the whole thing. Although i was endowed of making other people believe (whenever i want to), it is myself that i can never ever fool. There are things in life that can’t be changed by a crazy birthday project. There are things in life i am neither ready to embrace nor let go.

so here's my birthday status yesterday:

mind status: hopeful

heart status: weary

physical status: exhausted

 or maybe the past 19 days had just been so tiring and pressuring for me. and i know i needed to pause for a while to make something out of my silver year. Some time for myself, maybe.  Days before my birthday, my sister kept on bugging me about what i wanted to do. i so much wanted to tell her to invite people and we’ll party all night.  But i can’t find those words inside my heart.  To be honest, what’s circling in my aching head was to wear some running shoes and dash in wherever lane i can catch, or be somewhere near the sand, where i can feel the sun and taste the seawater and dive over and over and stay under without breathing until i can’t stand anymore. or just simply stand in the rain. Just to make an excuse for my tears to fall. Then i can go back at dinnertime, all nimble and refined, and sip some white wine with friends. 

but my job can't afford that. else i'll feel guilty "imploring for inner peace" while one of my office mates go through the pain of boredom and extra "gastos"  just to fill in for my being absent at work.  that's a no-no.

but today. a day after my birthday and now that i am 25 years and one day old. i want to make sure that every inch of the next 365 days will be in superb mode. well, i don't know how. i just know. maybe because, for the first time in 2011, it is just today that i am not late. maybe because i am loving the french vanilla coffee and fool's garden's lemon tree. and it has been the only music on my background for the whole day. or maybe because fool's garden is now following me on twitter! haha. i just know i'll be happy. 

Oh, thank you to ALL who wished me a happy birthday. Phone calls (sorry for those calls i was not able to answer), text messages, e-mails, fb wall greetings and messages, gifts, and greeting cards are all sweetly appreciated.

 

P.S: i have always believed that birthday is the only time where fairytale exists. it came, just as expected. and you didn't.  i guess, we can never really see each other. cause, far or near, I still CAN’T SEE YOU.

Read more...

let me start wishing upon a shooting star.

fireworks over. i heart fireworks. they never fail to mesmerize me. and make me want to kiss. =) the usual scent of the left-over foods give a warm feeling. the gifts, they are all   worth the wait. and the smiles from my nieces and nephews lips, they are lovely in every inch. 

 

 i stared at the first spot of sun on the grass near my feet. and realized that, hey, 19 more days and its gonna be my birthday! and not to give you anymore headache thinking what  my heart is beating for, here are 25 things this petite girl wants to see wrapped in fancy papers and ribboned with glittery silk. =)

1. sitti’s album
2. Neutrogena Fine Fairness UV Compact (i use the beige tone), and toner and moisturizer!
3. Perfume: lacoste yellow or Benetton cold or 3 bottles of Bench Grass Cucumber cedarwood!
4. oil paint
5. 3 pcs canvas
6. a study table
7. scented candles
8. Coelho’s The Fifth Mountain
9. burt’s bees lip balm (or if you can’t find any, body shop’s lip butter will do)
10. a portable sewing machine
11. yoga mat
12. a navy blue or gold belt ( i like the glossy one)
13. calculator
14. clear contact lenses (my vision is 200/200)
15. Coelho’s The Pilgrimage
16. a slice of cheesecake
17. tweezers, earwax cleaner, a cute nail cutter and 3 boxes of blade =)
18. a set of FOOT SPA. (you know i sOoo much LOVE my FEET!)
19. i’ll let you decide here.
20. Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Chronicle of a Death Foretold
21. Arthur Golden’s Memoirs of Geisha
22. color pencils and a sketch notebook
23. Coelho’s The Devil and Miss Prym
24. a classy wall clock.
25.  P 19,000.00 (or any cash will do!)

 but you know what? it’s okay if you can’t give me any of these items, really. A fervent prayer for my peace of mind and my dear ones’ happiness is more than any material gift would cost! This is just a twist to make a fun birthday project. What my heart truly desires is something that cannot be spoken by the human mouth, it's a project that i already entrusted to HIS will. =)  

P.S. tell me. will i wait for another 100 and who-knows-how-many-more-days and minutes, just like what was written on the paper? or should i let the coming of the first full moon put an end to my weary heart? 

Read more...

justice will die over and over again.

photo courtesy of ph.yfittopostblog.com



i have told myself never to get too much involved to anything that the media presents. because its either they are lying or i am believing. But finally reading the news about the acquittal of the convicted slayers of the 3 Viscondes made me sleepless. Yes, until 2am and not a bat from my long lashes.

Nineteen years. This is a case I almost grew up with. You know, being talked about in the news, movies and everything. The whole thing isn’t vivid to me but the picture of a lovely lady who was grisly slaughtered, the Webbs’ beautiful faces, the famous Jessica Alfaro glasses. They all seem to be a part of my past, of most of our past.

Well, i do not care if they are 8000 miles away or if Alfaro (where is she, anyway?) is lying. Who are we to know? Truth can always be tampered. Because there are people who has this gift of making themselves believe that what they are saying is true. Maybe, Mr. Vizconde is right; it’s time to do away with the blindfolded lady. Everything seems to be a form of mockery, like the loss of the sample semen which God knows whose fault!

But you know to who i am so devastated with? This Gerardo Biong, who destroyed the evidence in the Vizconde case. There was once this big chance of getting in touch with justice but he, a man supposed to save the truth, took everything away. He just gave people another shot of disgust to the profession. For me, he should remain in jail until the culprit is caught. But then he was freed after serving 15 years in jail.

Nineteen years. And the long search for justice of a fragile man for his murdered family just ended up with an elusive dream of finding whoever the true slayers of the despicable crime are.

This broke my heart. And i can only pray for Lauro Vizconde's deep sorrow to be tightly embraced by God’s grace. I think its not so far for this same thing to happen to the maguindanao massacre. (God borbids)



Read more...

two people.

nothing much to say. you should know that you are still the most beautifullest of all. (i remember the term i used when i was in my third grade, when my teacher ask us to draw and describe our parents, and i drew you and dad, you in your ribboned hair and checkered chinese collared white blouse  and pencil cut blue skirt. and dad in his long sleeved and famous hat. i thought you were a teacher because you looked like one, so i told the class that you were. maybe my taecher was surprised and laughing at me that time. well, i do not care. what i want is you to be happy. happy birthday, mother!

dad, this day is also for you. for all i know,  you will always be the only handsome man i know who ever existed in this lifetime. and i think i won't marry any guy because of that! hehe. i ♥ you BIG!

Read more...

retreat @ Tagaytay

the room's a bit creepy. the session's a bit sleepy. hehe. but it's just so nice to spend some moment together. 

Read more...

August love.

yes. it's true. i guess, my lachrymal gland wasn't so successful in impeding the production of water-flow over the anterior surface of my eyes this August. well, not so bad, at least i had the chance of lubricating my eyes. that might help me from not getting the epidemic eye sore!


and yes, that's not an enough excuse to miss these cool-august-items!


P.S.(written in my red journal, dated August 24, 2010) 
 This morning, i said to myself: Today's gonna be a funny day. The white-haired tricycle driver diffidently said his apology for being too old for a speedy ride. i gave him my smile.Then, it became a busy day. So busy, i didn't notice the clock saying "oh, it's lunch time". I had lunch with Ever and we had some chocolate and strawberry ice cream. Then, i badly wanted to tell her some secrets of mine, but i chose those to be clogged by the foods and other stories we have in our mouths.

This afternoon, i heard the priest's sermon and suddenly, i wanted to make a pact with God. Tonight, it's raining. It's raining, and i do not know if God is trying to talk to me.

Read more...

August Birthday People

 no.1 on my list is the August-birthday people.



my eldest sister (Atet’s) birthday last August 12. this photo is from her last year's birthday. sorry, it's kinda blurry na, wala kasi xang ibang pic eh. 

and my Advo-outlet-bud, marnee. ikaw. ikaw ang nag-introduce muli sa akin sa mundo ng musika. salamat.

  

to the ever fashionista, tin. where's the cake,huh? 

and for this guy who has been an inspiration to me, dr. abelardo b. perez. thank you for your fatherly encouragement, especially during those days of my lost college life. i was not so successful with the last assignment that you gave me but i know you will forgive me for that. i hope you know that you aren't just being remembered, you are being badly missed by so many people.

Read more...

University Week 2010

2 is the  University Week 2010. it was tremendously a hyperactive one. Everyone in the university was just all SO-IN LOVE with the 3-day university week.

Plus, this cool bench cheering competition that almost drained my energy. oh, we got the 2nd place award with 5thou cash! Gogogo RED TEam! 

and yes, photo booth poses! Notice my "charice pempengco" face. i just hope i can sing like her!

Read more...

Hello, Vital signs!

4 i had my annual medical check-up. So scary, syringes never fail to freak mo out!

vital signs

vision: not 20/20

blood pressure: 80/60

pulse rate: 73

respiratory rate: 18

Findings: Lung fields are clear. Heart is not enlarged. Diaphragm and chest bones are not unusual. 

Interpretation: HAPPY under STRESS. =)

Read more...

Gifts and TO DO LIST BOOK.

here are some nice items i got from friends without any important occasion:

Ever gave me this nice top, i really love the embroidery thing!

these chopsticks and lotion came from my dearest sis, jane, from her HongKong trip!

and oh, although i promised myself not to purchase any book until i finished reading all the books in my bookshelves, this one found a way for an exception:

for when i turned the page to page 19 which happened to be my favorite number and yes, the day of my lovely birthday, i found my name scribbled on it! i said to myself, oh gosh, this is MY BOOK without any doubt! but then i felt that i need to give it to someone who needs a TO DO LIST in his life. to you, i may not always be bodily there, but i hope you know that part of me is always yours. 

Read more...