i do not know why i am writing like this.

>> Saturday, January 31, 2009

Some things are not just so easy to let go. There are pains that will always remain as painful as ever. There are wounds that, although healed, will forever leave the soul scarred. There are nightmares that will not disappear amidst the brightness of the sunshine.
The last 30 days tendered me a taste of technicolored borderline mood dealings. Betrayal. Surprises. Undying Hope. Love. Choices. Boredom. Bliss. Fake smiles. Discoveries and nightmares. Praises. Beldam. Pictures of escape. Guilt. Hidden sorrows. unrelinquished Faith and thanksgiving. And if you think any of these excites me. The answer is a flat affect. And I am so much disappointed.

Sometimes, I think of myself as a near madcap.
Somewhere near the borderline personality disorder. Gosh!
inside my head are hundreds of questions. thousands. millions. i lost count already.but never am i expecting for an answer. and never for a vague one.

I do not exactly know when was the time I started believing at nothing. when i stopped uttering my querries, and finally forsake the thought of a childhood belief of happily ever after (yes, there will always be a once upon a time, but forever is something too blurred to still believe). And when was the last time I stopped trusting?

People, myself… the world.(hay, what did they do? waht did my neurons do? wait, dont get me wrong: i am not into blaming anyone and alanis' "sorry to myself" is playing in my mind.)

Today, I believe no one. I believe nothing. And it’s only my chaste faith to the good God that’s keeping me breathing. It is only Him that I believe. And I need no bible verses or books or words as evidence of His existence. ( my mother will surely nag me about this and I am so sure to see her lonely eyes. I once told her that I think the bible is just mere fiction and a form of literature and I needed to stop because she was so shocked about what I’ve said, for this, I am sorry to those I might upset.) But this is where I see my faith, when I don’t believe in anything else but God. That even without any substantiation I still know He’s around and listening to my aches and joys.


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this is not about who i am.
neither does it matter who you are.
these are the pieces of being FREE.

of loving and being loved
of believing
in fairytales and paradise and dragonflies
and of not believing.
of keeping our FAITH.
of rainbow colored sky and black and white
and everything in between.

thank yous.
we will see each other soon.

hugs and hundreds of ♥,

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