nine more hours and forty five minutes, and it's GOODBYE.

>> Thursday, December 31, 2009

how do i start, when i am all bruised and pained?

i precisely do not know why i had this exigency of coming up with this new blog. Maybe, I want an escape. Maybe I want to leave things behind.

If there is such thing as one’s toughest point, then mine, might fit this year. I went through a lot for the past years but 2009 has been, somewhat, the sturdiest. And I always firmly plead that nothing worse would happen than this year. Actually, I could no longer give a vivid justification on how I managed to survive. ALL I KNOW IS THAT GOD NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. Yes, HE has been there, my forever TEARS ABSORBER. Thank you for lavishly giving me strengths to accept and move on.

I have been so silent about what I have been going through but I have to be honest that there were also times when I wanted to run to people, beg for help, yearn for a tight embrace, but I obliterated all those non-sensical thoughts as I realized life’s reality. This is my life, I am the only one responsible for fixing, and mending what is broken. I always regret being too bold to people, because at the end, I know I will just end up being left out and defenseless to them because they know too much of my weaknesses. Sometimes, I tell myself that I can never ever forgive those people who downed me during this very critical stage of my life. I know it’s kinda unfair for them because they were only aware of the bad they have inflicted in me but they were very clueless about what’s really happening, they have no idea how deep they have pushed the spear already plunged into my soul. Sometimes, I wanted to shout, implore peace and tell them to just leave me unscathed, to stay away from me, because I can no longer fight back anymore. And that, I find too hard to forgive.

I have always thought that I am the biggest fan of myself. That I know every little inch of its moves. That I know every blood flow, and every worms, and just plainly everything about it.

But this time, I doubt whether I still know myself. Or if I’ve subconsciously allowed an alienated monster occupy my persona.

I am not like this. I had always been a carefree person. Although, I am never the type who minds others’ business, I know I am innately caring. Gosh, friends used to describe me as one of the most affectionate species on earth. I cry. I love. I laugh. I forgive. I was very light. I was very hopeful. I was very optimistic about life.

What changed me?

Perhaps, I know where I am coming from. Perhaps, I understand. But perhaps, I got tired explaining things to myself. Or maybe the defense mechanisms decided to leave me due to my abusive usage of them. See, I already have my own conclusion to everything.

But whatever excuses I have. They will forever be considered as lame ones because I know I can’t stay like this forever.

I want to reassess myself. But there is no need for me to understand every flow of blood running in my inside. There is no need to be aware of every cell that I am made of. No need to understand all the nerve functions in my brain. Completely understanding myself is not the answer, for it is only HIM, who can completely have a thorough understanding of everything.

nine more hours and forty-five minutes.
I want a new start.



>> Wednesday, December 30, 2009

‘Just got home from a “walang-sawang-kwentuhan-over-a-cup-of-coffee with Lloyd. Lesson he imparted tonight: BE PRACTICAL WITH YOUR DECISION IN LIFE. Oh, gosh.
Parenthetically, this morning, i was with my officemates, atcheng, sir ian, aiza, sir meynard, and miss rose at Ibaan’s town fiesta. We went to the “peryahan” where different faces roved around: fat people, kids, couples, teens with their babies, old folks, happy-go-lucky personalities, hopefuls looking for a bit of luck, people imploring for a sense of fun, people, just like us, who wants to take a peep of how peryahan works nowadays. But no one can ever know what’s really running in these people’s mind while their feet roamed around the boisterous crowded place.

 Some could be broken inside while trying to find a piece of happiness, or let’s say, escape. Some could be hopeful that the twenty-peso bill in their bony hands will give them a kilo of rice and some canned goods after risking it in the color game. Speaking of color game, I didn’t let the moment pass without me trying it, I even pulled the string once. Red. blue. green. white. pink or yellow.The first try was good, it doubled the money I borrowed from atcheng, but I wasn’t so lucky enough during the second try, and right there, I gave up.

Someone told me that life is all about taking the risk. I know, it’s scary and it will always be since we do not know whether you will win, or lose. That’s why we have to think about it over a million before finally committing to a decision without an exact product. The secret is staying positive and having faith in our decision, and of course, to GOD.

It didn’t work? There is no need to deprive our body of sleep and we don’t have to punish ourselves with endless regrets. What we can do is gather the lessons and learn from those. We will never know if it’s meant for us unless we try.

That is the essence of life, TRYING, and giving that try our very best shot. Life isn't just the six color blocks, it's more than that. though, knowing everything is not really our business, if it’s not a thing for us, it will never happen. If it’s not His will, then He will surely make a different route for us. RISK + FAITH, else it won't work out so good.



>> Monday, December 7, 2009

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,


that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.


if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.
- IF YOU FORGET ME, Pablo Neruda -

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