Somewhere, there's a place for us...

 

My mother's favorite. I was surprised when i heard my 6-year old niece singing this. 

We’ll find there's a way of forgiving
Somewhere... Somewhere... Somewhere...
There's a place for us
A time and a place for us
Hold my hand and we're half way there
hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow...
Someday, somewhere...

i still believe that somewhere near the steepy mountains and rocky roads, there is a nice place for us.

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BIRTHDAY PROJECT: postponed due to blustery weather.

 It was the 19^th day of the year 1986. It was dawn. It was a Sunday. For sure, it was cold and breezy. That was all I know about that day. That E-O day.

That was 25 years ago.

And that thought always makes me happy.

Actually, i was into a SILVER BIRTHDAY PROJECT. Everything’s carefully noted. Everything’s well-planned. But at the mid of my being excited, i needed to stop and discontinue the whole thing. Although i was endowed of making other people believe (whenever i want to), it is myself that i can never ever fool. There are things in life that can’t be changed by a crazy birthday project. There are things in life i am neither ready to embrace nor let go.

so here's my birthday status yesterday:

mind status: hopeful

heart status: weary

physical status: exhausted

 or maybe the past 19 days had just been so tiring and pressuring for me. and i know i needed to pause for a while to make something out of my silver year. Some time for myself, maybe.  Days before my birthday, my sister kept on bugging me about what i wanted to do. i so much wanted to tell her to invite people and we’ll party all night.  But i can’t find those words inside my heart.  To be honest, what’s circling in my aching head was to wear some running shoes and dash in wherever lane i can catch, or be somewhere near the sand, where i can feel the sun and taste the seawater and dive over and over and stay under without breathing until i can’t stand anymore. or just simply stand in the rain. Just to make an excuse for my tears to fall. Then i can go back at dinnertime, all nimble and refined, and sip some white wine with friends. 

but my job can't afford that. else i'll feel guilty "imploring for inner peace" while one of my office mates go through the pain of boredom and extra "gastos"  just to fill in for my being absent at work.  that's a no-no.

but today. a day after my birthday and now that i am 25 years and one day old. i want to make sure that every inch of the next 365 days will be in superb mode. well, i don't know how. i just know. maybe because, for the first time in 2011, it is just today that i am not late. maybe because i am loving the french vanilla coffee and fool's garden's lemon tree. and it has been the only music on my background for the whole day. or maybe because fool's garden is now following me on twitter! haha. i just know i'll be happy. 

Oh, thank you to ALL who wished me a happy birthday. Phone calls (sorry for those calls i was not able to answer), text messages, e-mails, fb wall greetings and messages, gifts, and greeting cards are all sweetly appreciated.

 

P.S: i have always believed that birthday is the only time where fairytale exists. it came, just as expected. and you didn't.  i guess, we can never really see each other. cause, far or near, I still CAN’T SEE YOU.

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of Alanis and reality

When i was 10, my brother’s best friend gave me a cassette tape of Alanis’ Jagged Little Pill album (maybe he noticed my obsession to her music especially with Hands in my Pocket and Head over Feet. ) Those were the years when I am so much obsessed with reality. I eat because I am hungry. I do tantrums and tell my mother the very reason why. I stop and wonder at the middle of my hiccups to ask why my tears are colored gray. And she would tell me that it’s because of the dust I had accumulated via over playing outside. I cry and tell dad that I am scared. I laugh because I am being tickled with nice humors. I sleep not because of anything else but because I am sleepy.

Some years after that, i've realized that life isn't just about the "reality" that i had believed, there is more than reality, there is something more that we need to survive reality.  that there are important things that lie between being hungry and eating. that there are reasons why i am not allowed to play outside at dusk. why i cannot have the  very red apple i want.  the acceptance didn't happen overnight, i went through a lot of process. there are a lot of pains and scars, there are a lot of weeping after every stumble. and there, i finally accepted that  i cannot just cry because  some eerie monster scared my ass. i learned that tears won't give me what i'm dying to have. i've learned to cry inside and  dry the tears before dawn and learned to get acquainted with bluish sleepless nights. My sister is right, it is a delectable rocky road, but its more than a rocky road, there are muddy trails and steepy hills  and rabbied dogs ready to gobble me up when i am least ready. and it was during these years that I have learned to appreciate Jose Mari Chan’s captivating music. He introduced to me a sweet way of defending myself from life’s imperfection. of relaxing myself because SOON, everything will be okay. and a very beautiful voice that keeps on reminding me that there exist a smooth road somewhere. and it's there waiting for me and for Dad, for Inay, for Kuya Dong, Kuya Yloy, Ate't, for Ate Vangie, for Ate Grace, for Ate Lea and yes, for Kuya Noel. A road where all of us can exclaim: Hey, at last, at long last.. HERE WE ARE!

i remember my sister in one of our sister kulitan before dozing off to sleep. Ate vangie said that she just realized that she haven't heard a crunchy laugh coming from me for the longest time and that she can no longer imagine how i sound or look like. i thought that that was crazy but maybe i was.

What is this for? Nothing. I just find it so funny that after all these years, nothing has really changed. Good Alanis still haunts me with her sense of reality. it makes me laugh. It still makes me condemn and at the same time save myself. maybe, she is right :♪ i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone, i'm wrong and i'm sorry, baby... ♫ i'm free but i'm focused, i'm green but i'm wise, i'm hard but i'm friendly, baby ♪ and most importantly, i'm short but i'm healthy, yeah! ♪ and Jose Mari Chan has always been around to offer me a gentle kiss to escape.

Thank you to the two of you.

And, thank you to Kuya Allan Muños. We haven’t seen each other for years (like 13 years already?) and I will surely not know where to start once I see you but I know we have volumes of things to talk about. Thank you for making me understand the true meaning of friendship. i owe that one to you.

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