of Alanis and reality

>> Thursday, May 6, 2010

When i was 10, my brother’s best friend gave me a cassette tape of Alanis’ Jagged Little Pill album (maybe he noticed my obsession to her music especially with Hands in my Pocket and Head over Feet. ) Those were the years when I am so much obsessed with reality. I eat because I am hungry. I do tantrums and tell my mother the very reason why. I stop and wonder at the middle of my hiccups to ask why my tears are colored gray. And she would tell me that it’s because of the dust I had accumulated via over playing outside. I cry and tell dad that I am scared. I laugh because I am being tickled with nice humors. I sleep not because of anything else but because I am sleepy.

Some years after that, i've realized that life isn't just about the "reality" that i had believed, there is more than reality, there is something more that we need to survive reality.  that there are important things that lie between being hungry and eating. that there are reasons why i am not allowed to play outside at dusk. why i cannot have the  very red apple i want.  the acceptance didn't happen overnight, i went through a lot of process. there are a lot of pains and scars, there are a lot of weeping after every stumble. and there, i finally accepted that  i cannot just cry because  some eerie monster scared my ass. i learned that tears won't give me what i'm dying to have. i've learned to cry inside and  dry the tears before dawn and learned to get acquainted with bluish sleepless nights. My sister is right, it is a delectable rocky road, but its more than a rocky road, there are muddy trails and steepy hills  and rabbied dogs ready to gobble me up when i am least ready. and it was during these years that I have learned to appreciate Jose Mari Chan’s captivating music. He introduced to me a sweet way of defending myself from life’s imperfection. of relaxing myself because SOON, everything will be okay. and a very beautiful voice that keeps on reminding me that there exist a smooth road somewhere. and it's there waiting for me and for Dad, for Inay, for Kuya Dong, Kuya Yloy, Ate't, for Ate Vangie, for Ate Grace, for Ate Lea and yes, for Kuya Noel. A road where all of us can exclaim: Hey, at last, at long last.. HERE WE ARE!

i remember my sister in one of our sister kulitan before dozing off to sleep. Ate vangie said that she just realized that she haven't heard a crunchy laugh coming from me for the longest time and that she can no longer imagine how i sound or look like. i thought that that was crazy but maybe i was.

What is this for? Nothing. I just find it so funny that after all these years, nothing has really changed. Good Alanis still haunts me with her sense of reality. it makes me laugh. It still makes me condemn and at the same time save myself. maybe, she is right :♪ i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone, i'm wrong and i'm sorry, baby... i'm free but i'm focused, i'm green but i'm wise, i'm hard but i'm friendly, baby  and most importantly, i'm short but i'm healthy, yeah! ♪ and Jose Mari Chan has always been around to offer me a gentle kiss to escape.

Thank you to the two of you.

And, thank you to Kuya Allan Muños. We haven’t seen each other for years (like 13 years already?) and I will surely not know where to start once I see you but I know we have volumes of things to talk about. Thank you for making me understand the true meaning of friendship. i owe that one to you.


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this is not about who i am.
neither does it matter who you are.
these are the pieces of being FREE.

of loving and being loved
of believing
in fairytales and paradise and dragonflies
and of not believing.
of keeping our FAITH.
of rainbow colored sky and black and white
and everything in between.

thank yous.
we will see each other soon.

hugs and hundreds of ♥,

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