an afternoon with an uncommonly gentle man.

 Kim: Hold me.  

Edward: I can't.

 Remember him?

Childhood memoirs never fail to create sparks. always, for me.

can i call this bliss?

Four vivid scenes to me:

The garden. the very beautiful garden.

The waterbed. with lots of stuffie.

The dinner steak.

And the old man’s eyes.

I am teary-eyed when after so many years, I saw Edward, again. Still in his black suit with scissors and knives. Yes, I watched Edward Scisssorhand last Tuesday (thank you to Aiza for downloading the film). It was like more than 10 years ago.

Brings back so many childhood pictures.

I saw our black and white T. V, our green with checkered ribbon sala set. Our so wide window and the night outside. Inay in the kitchen. Gosh, I miss million dollar movie times with kuya noel who taught me about staying late and being a couch potato amidst Daddy's plea for us to go to sleep because staying late is not good for children like us.

Let me borrow this line from my short story, Touched by an Angel: I wanted to go back. God knows. But I do not know how.

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BEFORE FEBRUARY ENDS.

(written 3 years ago, February, 2007)

And it may take some time to patch me up inside. But i can’t take it so I run away and hide…

Thirty five minutes right after midnight: yes, i am humming my fave line, a thing i love doing inside my most loved place in this entirely scary-funny-amazing planet – (guess where?). The moment i press the doorknob’s lock, i feel that i am separated from the harsh reality of the world outside. i find myself a light year away from my fears. i find peace. it gives me a sense of security to dig the deepest part of my humanity, and the fact that i am not just an ordinary specimen of this material world. it is the place, where i come to fashion my finest craft. i can be a dancer. A rock star. A stage actress being applauded by people who i truly love. i sing like there’s no tomorrow. i create the most impossible. i am extra-ordinary. i am loved. i am a princess. For a moment, i see the dead right ME in the dampened mirror. The only place, where i confess my weaknesses, my elucidation. For i know no one’s gonna see me. No eyes will judge me. Nobody can tell me that i am wrong. Here, i AM ALWAYS RIGHT. i cry. i scream. At times, i would hurt myself with a shampoo container, and no one would dare say that i am out of my sanity. i would wipe each piece of marbled tiles. Make it clean, secure all the dirt’s out until it’s so white again, leaving not a single stain. i would bump my head. Feel its coldness. Whimper like a lost child. Play with the water. Embrace myself, until i am all-dry. Sigh in the deepest grin. Close my eyes for a second and unlock myself back to reality. Smell the air fume that nauseate my nostrils, blow dry my hair; spray some Elizabeth Arden green tea from my sister’s closet. Pretend i am happy, that i am contented. Believe that i know what love is. Start deeming again in to fairytales. i am an angel who lost my wings and is saved by a broomstick. i am a witch. And i hate eating apple. by the way, i am in love with deep violet.

well, actually, i guess that  three years gave bundles of inevitable changes. 
the common question then was: WHO'S DEEP VIOLET?
 the question now is: AM I HAPPY WITH WHAT I AM TODAY?

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it kills that i just watched you as you slowly walked away.

I miss my father. And thinking about how nice it would feel if I could also busy myself thinking of the most excellent gift i could give him for father’s day.

I miss him, and thinking what he would tell me if I tell him that I think I am in love, and again, broken hearted.

I miss him, and thinking what he would do if I tell him that someone bullied me, and some girls talked nasty things about me, that I was backstabbed , and I was so angry.

I miss him, and thinking how nice it would be if I would have the chance to massage his aching feet again, and I would talk about how the day was, what I bought from Ka Pisi, the games I played, what I want to do when I grow up.

I miss him, and thinking what he would say, now that I am already working, getting enough salary to buy him a perfume, though not as what he expected me to be, wearing my office uniform and high-heeled shoes.

I miss him, and thinking about the comfort I would receive if I tell him that I do not know how it is to trust again. That I am no longer the sweet girl who hides his slippers in the morning so I know where to get it in the afternoon when he comes back home.

I miss him, and will continue to miss him every time the cruel world reminds me that, no matter how envious I become whenever I see a complete happy family, I will never have a father that I could run to.

Dad, I miss making coffee for you. really, i do.

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the nostalgic mood of a witch named gladi

Right after my college graduation, i moved to Manila, and stayed there for a year. Being in a strange place gave me a different taste of life. No more late wake ups. No more morning tantrums. No more soberly nights. No more afternoon cups of coffee and lemon tea. No more happy go lucky kind of life. No more writing to the last brain string, ye, my pen had experienced a severe famishment.

But having been away from home and having acquired total freedom and independency dipped my sleepy thought to the real color of life. With real rejection. With real disappointment. With real bitterness and with a different definition of happiness. Out of my comfort zone, i've earned time to reflect on those things i have but haven’t had the slightest care to notice then. I've love my family more than ever. I am more appreciative and i owe this all to those people and experiences that shared my vicissitudes during my “homesick days”. But as what i always believe, there is always goodbye (and that's the hardest part for during that time, i didnt know whether i wanted to really go back to my own made up world or to stay in the real world and continue to discover things. For some reasons. i felt like while i'm being pulled back to my comfort zone, the real world was also pushing me back and i was the only one fighting against it, adn i gave up. i went home and decided to continue living in the safe side of the world. anyways, i've list down people and stuff that kept on reminding me about the lessons i've gained during my stay in the real strange world. Of the moments, i’ve enjoyed. and for the bruises that made me cry.

etelecare.between busrides and baclaran church. erikson and fina (miss you. miss you. miss you) 119. jeff (thank you for a week of being patient with me) LPET days. wave 166A: lani.jo.KUYA RAE.kuya jim, chu. linj (i do miss our gel and plantsahan sessions) rolando. k'bert. neeson. PJ. dan. cite for breaking the company rule: do not use the internet for non-business related sites. tresmarias and mario. something fishy's eat all you can. SEEN (i miss our dream-upon-a-star moods and everything about you) TEAM OSIRIS. corky.mike.tiyobaki.koran TL jenny. kuyajustin.Anto.ALVIN. corky's crack. AVA and all our food tripping. service tag. escalation. L2. Chowking. Icite(whatever!) Fingerscan. AUX2. 29th Floor.SOiC Jen. KEM (ang matabang bully na bata). AJ (take it easy!) kuya li. kuya wei (Honda moments). Kuya Jover (JUVER!!!!) ANETTE. spam. spam. spam. rekanism. Service elevator. pantry.of my first ever taste of puto bungbong (thanks GAbo). jeepney rides. OUTlook. soic dova (stop the bleeding) Mozilla. meebo. yung ice tea sa pantry. ARR.vendo machine. appreciation. kuya justin's this is the bestest amplaya i've ever tasted line. OT. yellocab and KFc blues. mahesh fever.of moving on. dressdown. nailcuttingsession \m/. Kuya Ocop. kuya denver .L2 Domz! ALt TAB. pedestrian lane. kwek kwek and calamares( thank you to those who taught me bout this stuff) taxi rides and ye, taxi room (?) (it’s still a mystery to me how it looks like) tiangge moments. tell me your name by jose mari chan alarm tone. shawarma rice. Evermall. Overpass. letting go and goodbyes.

Did i miss a thing?

anyway,i can't thank them enough. and it was only during my last days in the office that i discovered the real meaning of saying thank you. For you guys, thank you for everything and in case I’ll get such Alzheimer’s in the future, do remind me that I have a blog where I wrote down everything.

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